by Cindi J. Martin, LCSW
Some of the most difficult words to say to someone are, “You were right and I was wrong.” Why? Aside from human pride, they are also very vulnerable words. Many of us have been shamed for making mistakes. Some of us have been verbally and physically abused. Others of us have even been humiliated in a group setting for admitting mistakes that we have made.
It is understandable that people shy away from admitting fault or even saying they are sorry for fear that the backlash from speaking those words will be worse than the consequence of remaining silent. The fear of being hurt is certainly an explanation for the difficulty we may have in admitting our mistakes to others. It is not, however, an excuse for not practicing this important spiritual, emotional, and interpersonal discipline. On a spiritual level, the discipline of admitting we are wrong is an opportunity to practice humility for the purpose of developing the character of Christ. On an emotional level, it is an opportunity to practice distress tolerance for the purpose of accepting personal responsibility. On an interpersonal level, it is the opportunity to resolve a conflict for the purpose of deeper understanding and connection.
You may be wondering what the phrase, distress tolerance means. In this situation, distress tolerance means that we allow ourselves to feel (rather than avoid) the discomfort of admitting we were wrong. Tolerating the emotion of distress also means that we resist the temptation to soothe ourselves in unhealthy ways. For example, if we admit we are wrong but then use the occasion to point out the other person’s faults, we might initially feel some satisfaction but we also diminish the positive impact of an apology and could even escalate the situation by creating a new conflict.
Another temptation is to admit that the other person is right but internalize the discomfort and attempt to self-medicate by overusing something like food or alcohol to relieve the feelings of anxiety, shame or embarrassment. Healthy examples of distress tolerance might include going for a walk in nature, crying, praying or journaling our feelings out to God, taking a bath, turning on soothing music, or calling a trusted friend to share how hard it was to admit our mistake.
While we may temporarily avoid some pain and embarrassment by not admitting when we are wrong and avoiding pain, there is a high personal price to pay for not having the integrity to admit spiritual, emotional, and interpersonal truth. Over time, it is easy to become less comfortable with taking responsibility for mistakes and as a result, we also become less able to take correction or instruction that will help us learn and grow from our experiences. Pride can take up residence in our souls instead of the humility necessary to keep our hearts tender toward the Lord, others, and even ourselves.
Do you remember the last time you told someone you made a mistake? When did you last say, “You were right and I was wrong.”? If it has been a while, perhaps some self-examination is in order. The desire to be right and to prove someone wrong is a powerful force that lies at the heart of a great deal of conflict in our homes and in the public arena today. I would absolutely be lying if I said that I don't struggle to practice this important discipline on a daily basis! There are many opportunities to grow in humility if we are willing. If you are like me and have failed, take heart and keep working at it. It will yield the fruit of the Spirit in due time if we do not grow weary of practicing.
“And all of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another for God is opposed to the proud but gives grace to the humble. Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God and He will exalt you at the proper time, casting all your anxiety upon Him for He cares for you.” I Peter 5:5b-7
“All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful but sorrowful, yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.” Hebrews 12:11
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