What is the Difference between Love and Intimacy?

The Apostle John tells us in his letters that God is love. He says that we are able to love because God first loved us. Although God loves the whole world, He is only intimate with those who want to know Him deeply and be deeply known by Him.

My husband defines intimacy as a deep abiding confidence that someone knows you, cares for you, desires and delights in your presence. The Hebrew word for this kind of intimate knowing and being known, yada, is used over 900 times in the Hebrew Bible. Although one meaning of the word is sexual intimacy, the definition goes far beyond sexual or intellectual knowledge of someone. Yada is an expansive experiencing of God and others that penetrates our entire being -- heart, mind, soul, and body.

The love of God is a one-way command because it is possible to love others even when they do not love us in return. Jesus taught His followers a radical new kind of love that He called a new commandment. This love was not reserved for friends and family but was offered to enemies as well. For example, we can choose to be patient and kind with those who hate us. We can refuse to retaliate when wounded and not delight in their harm (I Corinthians 13).

Intimacy, however, is not a command but a two-way invitation. Both people express a desire for mutual closeness and choose to cultivate a deep connection with one another. It requires the reciprocity of a time commitment, a mutual effort to create emotional safety, and a willingness to risk sharing in each other's vulnerability.  Intimacy always involves love but love does not always involve intimacy.

Over time, people who pursue intimacy learn that they can disclose who they really are without the constant risk of harm, rejection, or abandonment. They can tell one another what they need and do not need in the relationship. This does not mean that there will not at times be conflict or feelings of rejection or abandonment. It means that when there are hurt feelings, both people want to learn how to heal the wounds so that intimacy continues to grow and thrive. There is a conscious decision to stay engaged and open during conflict,

lean into the relationship, and work toward the win-win decisions of mutuality. There is an effort to learn (and keep learning) the skills of binding up each other's wounds.

Sometimes friendships fade. Other friendships end abruptly without explanation. I must confess that I have failed at friendship. I have had friends fail me. I have invested in friends who have not been able to give back to me that for which I had hoped. I have been the friend who wasn’t able to give what others wanted from me. There have been times when a friendship was fractured beyond repair.

As a result of my failures, I have thought a great deal about how close intimate friendships form, are nurtured, and thrive over time, whether as a single person or as a couple. I have

had to learn the painful lesson that it is neither possible nor advisable to be

intimate in every friendship. Intimate friendships take time, energy, and commitment

from both people, all of which wax and wane throughout our life time. Sometimes

we don’t have the skills to move deeper and sometimes those with whom we desire

closer ties do not have the desire, time, energy, or skills to engage with us. Many people

are afraid of closeness or simply do not want to make such a commitment. In any case,

I have found that the most important difference between love and intimacy is that when intimacy fails, love prevails.

"So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with one another and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so must you do also. In addition to all these things put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity. Let the peace of Christ, to which you were indeed called in one body, rule in your hearts; and be thankful." -- Colossians 3:12-15