In this three-part series, we define closeness or intimacy as “a deep abiding confidence that someone knows you and cares for you, desires and delights in your presence.” Does that sound like something that would delight your heart? Developing this level of trust and friendship doesn’t happen overnight however. Here are seven principles designed to help you deepen relationships, whether it is with a willing spouse, family member, or friend.
In the first part we explored 1) The Principle of We, 2) The Principle of Shared Power and Creativity, and 3) The Principle of Freedom with Boundaries. In the second part, we learned about 4) The Principle of Safety in Vulnerability, and 5) The Principle of Discerning and Dealing with Disconnection. In this final part, we will look at 6) The Principle of Accepting Responsibility and 7) The Principle of Reconnection.
True intimacy develops over time as we practice learning how to apply these principles in unique ways with one another. Though not a formula for guaranteed success, together all seven of these principles become the fertile soil in which we can learn to cultivate, nurture, repair, and deepen meaningful relationships that bring us the joy of intimate connection.
Principle #6: The Principle of Accepting Responsibility
“Then the Lord God called to the man, and said to him, ‘Where are you?
He said, I heard the sound of you in the garden and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid myself.’
And He said, ‘Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree of which I commanded you not to eat?’
“And the man said, ‘The woman whom You gave to be with me, she gave me from the tree and I ate.’
“Then the Lord God said to the woman, ’What is this you have done?’ And the woman said, ‘The serpent deceived me, and I ate.’”
“And the Lord God said to the serpent, ‘Because you have done this…I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your seed and her seed; He shall bruise you on the head, and you shall bruise him on the heel’.”
– Genesis 3:9-15
Taking Responsibility
Deepening a relationship requires that we take responsibility for our attitudes, words, and actions. The word responsibility means to be accountable for the things that are within our power and control. We cannot control how others perceive us, but we can take responsibility for the way we may be coming across and for making adjustments when possible.
When Keith and I first got married, we immediately noticed that our cultures of origin were quite different. I was raised in a loud Italian family. His parents, of Scandinavian descent, had never raised their voices or expressed marital conflict. Imagine my surprise when my husband told me I was hurting his ears during a disagreement. Imagine Keith’s surprise when I told him that I was hurt by his unwillingness to openly express his anger. We were both stunned. I told him that I didn’t want to hurt him or his ears. I needed to learn how to talk at a level that was acceptable to him. He didn’t want his difficulty expressing emotions to hurt me. He needed to learn that open marital conflict could be productive. Together, we began to learn how to take responsibility for learning about one another and how to adjust to one another and create win-win solutions to our problems. We are still learning after 40 years of knowing one another!
Tips for Taking Responsibility
Start a difficult conversation about hurts by letting your loved one know how important your relationship with them is to you. Did you notice that God sought out connection with humans even before pointing out the violation of His commandment?
Take the time to hear the perspective of your friend even if you think you know what and why they acted in a particular way. Did you notice that God invited Adam and Eve into a dialogue with Him even though He already knew the answer to His questions? This is a sign of exquisite respect from our Creator for His beloved human creation. Do we dare show any less to our fellow humans?
Refrain from the predictable human reactions of avoiding, blaming, hiding, or criticizing others to evade taking personal responsibility. The willingness to admit our mistakes or acknowledge that we unintentionally (or intentionally) hurt another can move us in the direction of healing and reconnection.
Resist the temptation to prematurely exonerate the person from expressing genuine feelings of remorse. Notice that God allows each person/creature involved to experience the burden of personal responsibility (consequences) for their actions. He listens to their perspective without nullifying the consequences*.
Do not assume that because you have not done something wrong, that you do not share any responsibility in the conflict. Notice that even God takes responsibility for the freedom He has given to the serpent and the humans. He acknowledges the enmity that is a result of giving humans the freedom to choose the knowledge of good and evil in the Garden. God took responsibility for restoring the relationship between Creator and Creation through His own choice to become a suffering Savior for the world.
*A Short Note About Consequences
Are we willing to allow others to suffer consequences for their actions or do we try to rescue them? Natural and logical consequences may indeed hurt the person who hurt us, but if allowed to have the desired result, consequences can lead to healing, reconnection, and increased intimacy. Trust that is broken can be restored by a changed heart that reveals attitudes and behaviors that demonstrate repentance. In contrast, retaliation or punishment inflicts some hurtful effect that is unrelated to the offense and results in more hurt, distance and disconnection that complicates the process of restoring trust.
Principle # 7: The Principle of Reconnection
“The Lord God made garments of skin for Adam, and his wife and clothed them.
And the Lord God said, ‘The man has now become like one of Us, knowing good and evil.
He must not be allowed to reach out his hand, and take also from the tree of life and eat, and life forever.
So the Lord God banished him from the Garden of Eden to work the ground from which he had been taken.
After He drove them out, He placed in the east side of the Garden of Eden cherubim and a flaming sword flashing back and forth to guard the way to the tree of life.”
– Genesis 3:21-24
This passage of Scripture seems on the surface to be more about punishment than about reconnection. A look back at Genesis 3:9, however, shows that God initiated contact with Adam and Eve immediately after the disconnection. It shows God’s genuine desire for intimacy as He asks for their honest perspectives about what happened. God holds onto the boundary needed for safety in the garden and requires them to leave. If they had remained and then eaten of the tree of life, their experience of evil and death would not have been limited but eternal.
God did not abandon His beloved when they disobeyed the command to keep evil and death out of the Garden of Delight. Instead He went with them, provided for them, and invited them back into a relationship with Him. He did not reject them for their wrong choices. From Genesis to Revelation, we see God doing all He can to allow humans to retain the dignity of choosing whether or not to be close to Him yet without compromising His definition of goodness and holiness. In the end, humans prove over and over in every generation that they are unable to overcome evil with human goodness or effort. As we come to the end of ourselves, God never fails to offer Himself as sacrifice and payment for our sins in exchange for faith that His grace alone is adequate to save and restore us.
Remember that reconnection, or the act of restoring a connection, is ultimately the mysterious work of God’s grace in relationships. There are times when reconnection with a loved one becomes impossible, despite all our prayers, professional counseling, and human efforts. We will suffer the grief in such a loss. Yet, God promises to never forsake or abandon us. Our greatest hope is reconnection with HIM.
Reconnection is the culmination of the previous six principles. It is the fruit of cultivating reciprocity, shared power and creativity, and freedom with boundaries. It is the capacity to stay safe when being vulnerable, to discern and deal with disconnection, and to take responsibility for what is needed for reconnection.
Recognize that God initiates connection, allows for disconnection, and models a process of reconnection that reaffirms our worth and value as His precious creation on every level of our existence. We have the privilege of following His example to cultivate intimacy with the people in our lives with whom we desire closeness. However, just as not everyone accepts God’s invitation, not everyone will accept our invitation.
CONCLUSION
As we conclude this three-part series on intimacy, it is my prayer that you have gained tools for cultivating closer, more intimate relationships. We have been made in the image of a triune God who is One Being and at the same time a community of three separate persons. We are, therefore, most fulfilled when we can express ourselves as fully unique individuals in a harmonious community with God and others.
Cindi J. Martin, LCSW is a licensed Christian psychotherapist who works with women healing from trauma, loss, depression, and anxiety as well as couples recovering from the wounds of sexual addiction. She is also the founder and director of Wellspring Counseling Ministries, which provides resource and referral services with the goal of integrating a strong biblical faith with excellence in clinical practice. Cindi is working on a book and blogs about emotional care, intimacy in relationships, the Bible, and theology at cindijmartinlcsw.com.
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