Have you ever felt alone in a crowd? Do you long for close, meaningful relationships that satisfy you on a deep spiritual and emotional level? Do you have a family member who never asked how you felt about a profound personal loss or an extraordinary achievement? Do you have a friendship that you thought was close but then ended abruptly without ever knowing the reason? Did you grow up in a family with people who could talk about everything except genuine, heartfelt emotions?
If you answered “yes” to any of the above questions, you are more than likely longing for the deep connection of intimate relationships. It may also comfort you to know that the experience of feeling alone is universal. The fear of being alone has been called a basic human horror. The fear of rejection and abandonment is a close relative. In the Christian tradition, being separated from God is essentially the definition of hell. Feeling alone is not only universal, it is akin to the only condition God identified in the Garden of Delight as
not good. “...It is not good for the man to be alone…”
– Genesis 2:18 -- Today's New International Version (TNIV).
In this three-part blog series, we’ll dive into seven Biblical principles that can help us build closer relationships and develop deeper intimacy with friends, family members, and spouses.
What is Intimacy?
I still remember the day my husband Keith crafted a definition of intimacy for our new married’s Sunday school class at church. I was stunned when he gave a simple yet profound definition,
"Intimacy is a deep abiding confidence
that someone knows you and cares for you, desires and delights in your presence."
This definition captures the longing in my heart. It touches and soothes the human ache for closeness and belonging. To deeply know and be known on a spiritual, emotional, intellectual, social, physical, and sexual level is breathtakingly fulfilling and mutually satisfying. To see and be seen. To know and be known. To care for and be cared for. To desire and be desired. To delight in and be delighted in. But how do we cultivate this intimacy in our relationships? In order to answer that question, I want to share seven biblical principles that I have discovered over the years.
The First Three Biblical Principles for Cultivating Intimacy:
1. The Principle of “WE”
“Let Us make human beings in Our image.” Genesis 1:26 - TNIV
Many orthodox Christians believe that the Us in this passage refers to the Holy Trinity. God’s very nature is revealed as one of intimacy between Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Humans long for closeness because we were created to reflect and enjoy the nature of our Creator. We enjoy great satisfaction when our individual and unique differences are known, nurtured, and unified in reciprocal, harmonious, creative, and loving relationships.
When you look for intimacy in relationships, remember that:
Intimacy is two-way. Both people express the desire for closeness with one another.
Both people demonstrate with actions, rather than words alone, that they are willing to do the hard work of getting to know one another.
When one person does most of the reaching out, inviting, sharing, giving or receiving, it is likely that a one-sided, dependent relationship is forming (a form of false intimacy) rather than one of genuine and reciprocal intimacy.
One-way dependent relationships (as opposed to mutual interdependent ones) feel like closeness until the person doing most of the giving asks for reciprocity in some way. In other words, the one doing most of the giving might have to say “no” to a request or might ask for help from the other person. The conflict that erupts signals a shift in the relationship that exposes potential false intimacy. The true test of intimacy is not the absence of conflict, but the ability to negotiate a mutually acceptable solution that respects the needs of both people.
2. The Principle of Shared Power and Creativity
"And God blessed them; and God said to them, ‘Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it and rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky and over every living thing that creeps on earth.'" Genesis 1:28 - TNIV
Shared power and creativity is important to our discussion of intimacy because who God says He is, as Us, directly relates to who God says human beings are, as them. We learn about God’s good intentions and purposes for intimate relationships by exploring the mystery of the Trinity. Just as power and creativity are shared within the community of Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, so all humans were created to share power in our mutual creativity as humans, both male and female, rather than “lording authority” over one another. The ability to share and negotiate power with one another deepens our capacity for creative cooperation, compassion, and loving connection in every walk of life.
When you look for intimacy in relationships, remember that:
Both people have the courage and freedom to learn and express what they need and desire as individuals without the fear of shame, rejection, or abandonment.
Both people encourage the intimate knowledge and understanding of oneself and one another. This knowledge is used to foster mutuality that incorporates, rather than excludes, differences. This includes understanding the strengths and weaknesses of each other’s personality and behaviors that are difficult for the other person to accept.
Both people are able to express their unique gifts, talents, and strengths in a way that leads to enjoyment and having fun together.
Both people understand that because of the Fall, humans are inclined to compete rather than cooperate and to make unilateral decisions rather than shared decisions. Therefore, they work hard at walking according to the Spirit rather than the flesh by sharing equally in the decision making process.
3. The Principle of Freedom with Boundaries
“From any tree of the garden you may eat freely, but from the tree of knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat for in the day that you eat from it you shall surely die.”
Genesis 2:16-17 (TNIV)
Clear boundaries include advance notice of expectations and the consequences. There is no manipulation, coercion, domination, or abuse of power and control. God gave humans the valuable and expensive gift of freedom to choose whether or not to respect the boundary He set around the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. There is no real intimacy in a relationship where there is no real freedom to choose. Even within the Trinity, Jesus was free to choose whether or not to be the Son of God on earth who would submit to His heavenly Father for the purpose of redeeming humankind. "Freedom with Boundaries" is the core requisite for meaningful, intimate relationships.
When you look for intimacy in relationships, remember that:
You both can discover and express clear expectations about who you are and what you want in a relationship to maintain your basic need for health and safety.
It is not selfish to be self-nurturing in relationships, which includes setting clear boundaries (expectations with consequences) even when the other person does not approve. The goal is to negotiate until the needs of both can be accomplished, but this should not conflict with basic needs for health and safety. If this cannot be accomplished, there may be a limit to how much closeness can be achieved at that time.
It is your responsibility to know how and when you feel safe spiritually, emotionally, socially, physically, and/or sexually. You alone can state your need for boundaries and the consequences when they are violated. Once you are clear on needs and boundaries, you are in a position to negotiate without compromising basic health and safety.
You can tell people what hurts you and also what helps you develop comfort, closeness, and enjoyment in an important relationship. Boundaries are not weapons for retaliation; they are tools for crafting the health, safety, and well-being of all concerned.
I hope that you have found this blog post encouraging and helpful! Stay tuned for the second post in this series, in which I’ll outline two more Biblical principles for developing lasting intimacy.
Cindi J. Martin, LCSW is a licensed Christian psychotherapist who works with women healing from trauma, loss, depression, and anxiety as well as couples recovering from the wounds of sexual addiction. She is also the founder and director of Wellspring Counseling Ministries, which provides resource and referral services with the goal of integrating a strong biblical faith with excellence in clinical practice. Cindi is working on a book and blogs about emotional care, intimacy in relationships, the Bible, and theology at cindijmartinlcsw.com.
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